Live Your Music Dreams

 Ongoing Lessons I WISH I KNEW AT 20

I have put off my dreams of pursuing music, even though it has been a passion, hobby, and even childhood fantasy since I was five. Now, that I am getting older and realizing it is now or never, and I am getting closer to taking some big actions towards these dreams,  there are some life lessons that I wish I would have known at 20. I sometimes wonder if I had known these principles earlier, if I would have pursued this course more seriously at a younger age. One will never know, so I can only do my part and share this for you young ins! I will share these as they come up and as I experience and remember to share them.

Here is one for today:

1. I have learned that people who have given up on their dreams cannot support me in mine.

This until recently used to hold me back because I would indiscriminately share my inner dreams with a parent, a loved one, or well meaning friend looking for validation, support, etc, and often times, I would get the exact opposite of support. Before I learned this, I would take there lack of support or poking holes in my dreams as validation that I wouldn’t get very far in music and I would tuck it away feeling foolish. My friend K has also experienced the same type of response from fellow musician friends she has confided in. Be very careful with who you share your dreams with. People who aren’t living their dreams can’t support you in the achievement of theirs, especially if involves a similiar passion that they are no longer working on, because it forces them to look at their own dreams, regrets, and often results in people not wanting to admit their own discomfort level. Do not make mistake their lack of support that you are on the wrong path. Just look at the messenger. Do you want what they have? If not, don’t ask for their advice and don’t share with them your seedling of a dream. Just like a tiny seed, that needs water, sunlight, and good soil, your dream seedling needs nourishment. Find this nourishment with first yourself, and then a few, and only few trusted and closest friends.

What led me to this post today? 

So, I have been increasingly more prudent with who I share what too, especially when it involves my music and future plans. I am starting to listen to myself first and when I feel stuck, scared, or confused about my next action, I am getting WAY better about sharing with just a few select people. In fact, my parents and family aren’t even aware of my plans to leave my corporate job this year to pursue music. So, with that said, I have been sharing vague and broadly about my “looking at education options in music” with select people. Well, today, I thought I was safe to share the vague answer above with a well meaning friend who I hadn’t connected with in about 6 months. As soon as S, asked me “What are your long term plans in 3-5 years?” I found myself blabbing that answer and then in a nervous reaction, stated I was looking at options for teaching music. As soon as I said that I braced myself for what was to come. What came was, “isn’t it too late for you sister? Don’t you need to be extremely proficient and already really good in an instrument already to make it as a musician? My husband W was just saying to me how difficult it is to make it in music these days and all of his friends who studied music aren’t even doing it anymore and they aren’t making any money. I don’t know sister, I think you should do it as a side, it might be too late for you.” What about your plans for marriage and children?

Wow! What an uplifting conversation! What was my response?

…At first, I was angry, then I was amused, and then curious. All in about 5 minutes. I realized she just gave voice to the “choir” that has been in my head since probably forever ago, and especially this past 2 years. So what did I do? Interestingly enough, I first felt amused, and like “here it comes.” Then, after I heard the statement, “W’s friend’s arent doing it anymore!”, my retort back to her was, “well do his friend’s also have an MBA?” She laughed it off and  I noticed my defensiveness kicking in and fortunately, she had to go, and I wanted the conversation to end so I could process it. I wish I could say that I was just angry. I got there, but at first I cried. Not because of her statement’s exactly, but because she gave voice to my inner critic outloud, and I realized what an a$$hole that guy in my head is and has been. Second, I cried at the loss of time I feel that I have given to listening to my inner critic for way too long and it reaffirmed my commitment to take action.

It was then I realized these many things:

1. I am going to give myself the chance to become proficient and confident by doing music. If, after I do this things by first nurturing my gifts in a school environment and then going out there and just playing and writing, I choose not to pursue music any longer and go back to the corporate work environment because my priorities are shifting-awesome. But I am not going to let my inner critic talk me out of trying it.

2. I am going to quiet my inner critic as much as possible by just doing it and allowing myself “to fail” but to do music anyway. I am willing to sound bad in order to sound and play better.

3. Her husband W’s friends priorities may have shifted or their circumstances may have been different, but I can’t let that stop me.

4. Her husband W gave up on his dream and shared he still wanted to be doing music and that was his passion but didn’t see a way to do music and not be broke so he settles for doing it on the side.

5. Find new friends. Surround myself by people who are living, doing, and being what i want to be.  I want to invite support, encouragement, and positively in my life. I am looking for a new set of friends and mentors who don’t let fears or stigmas stop them. I am going to even further minimize who I share what too and examine my friendships.

6. Keep reminding myself, “It is never too late.” My friend has echoed my own fears back to me as I look at being an early 30 year old and worrying about being over the hill by the time I feel confident, especially by Hollywood standards and my own inner critic. The sad thing is that Hollywood is just an illusion. We age. We die. The people that try to fight both, look odd and are sad. If I don’t pursue music now, I will always wonder and be regretful. The sad news is that I will be the same age if I don’t pursue it now and listen to people telling me it is too late for me, than if I I do. I am not going to lie, being a women and aging isn’t easy. Our society doesn’t make it easy and no women wants to lose her looks. I am hoping that music and my involvement with performance, songwriting, etc will transcend ageism and that I will always have an audience to move or story to tell that is honest and that will heal people. I am working on accepting myself and aging gracefully and I am sure it will be an ongoing process of acceptance and love.

So, in the meantime, I remind myself of this:

My grandma went back to school at age 65 and pursued her bachelors and then master’s degree in psychology. She is now 84 and decided to begin pursuing law again and opened up a practice where she practices part time.

Ken Jeong, the famous actor, most known for his role in the Hangover, was a physician, and became an actor in his 40′s.

To top if off, right before I was heading to bed a top yahoo story was about a woman who was 55 who auditioned to be a Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleader. She looks super fit and rocked the audition! She wanted to do this in her 20′s and due to time, raising children, etc, -didn’t and is doing it now. This is a story of how we can be amazing at any age!

That is how I am going to end my night. I am actually thankful for the lesson and the conversation with my old friend. There were many lessons in that conversation. I think the final lesson I have learned is that my inner critic is quieting just a bit because I was able to process and feel even more committed to my plan and inspired because it isn’t too late for me!

BACKGROUND

I know I said I would be posting my goals and please forgive the lapse. I just needed time to simmer on them and to get really clear on them and I really struggled because of highly personal issues that I am about to divulge here: I am at a time in my life where being a woman who gasp reached 30 not being married or having kids is starting to scare me. Let me clarify. Not being married and not having kids doesn’t scare me, it is the fact that not having the option to have biological kids at some point scares me just as much as having the damn rascals. Unfortunately, in this world, women only have so long to have children…At age 30, something happens to us women, this inner sense of urgency to get shit done, get moving on things, and for others, that clock may spark them to have children immediately. My clock just kept beating faster, but I had a hard time identifying its messages…Hmm, quite a conundrum (some would say a luxurious conundrum in our modern western society). So, what is a girl to do? Well, I don’t know about others, but what I decided to do was identify what scared me most about this situation and here is what I came up with:

• Becoming a resentful mother and not doing some of the things I always wanted to do pre babies
• Being a horrible mother because of poor awareness, bad parenting habits, and not fully resolving my own issues from childhood (I know, whaaaah)
• Being trapped in a dull job but forced to work in because we needed the health insurance, settling on less than in life, location, job, love etc and then creating children and showing them, yep, with that attitude of “this is as good as it gets” and having little children who become settled, depressed, flat 30 somethings who talk about weather and bunions eating their healthy cuisine frozen lunches in the break room and think anyone traveling to Mexico during this day and age is plain crazy.
• Freaking out about all this stuff, not acting on my inner dreams, and when I finally decided I was ready to have children, my body wouldn’t let me!
• Not knowing how to balance a degree of healthy selfishness with my career and own ambitions with the needs of the children and getting them both wrong.

I hate to admit it that it took me longer than I would like to admit to not only identify and list those fears out loud but to actively work on them to change my situation and create a life that I wanted to live. Maybe if I was happier in my situation, the thought of children wouldn’t scare me so badly. So, I thought I first need to identify other parents who are still living a semblance of life that they enjoy (albeit with appropriate sacrifices) but who haven’t given themselves up completely for the sake of their children. I also needed to start living life for me and start exploring the reasons I wasn’t (I know, waaaahh) and get healthy in mind, body, and spirit), and to start to redefine the life that I wanted to live.

I’m still working on all of these things and I am noticing this inner sense of urgency to clarify my goals, focus, and act…Before it is too late or I look back at age 45 or 55 and regret the things I didn’t do.

PRE-BABY GOALS: Next 1- 3 years

• Attend Music School for at least a year: build confidence, skills in guitar, vocals, songwriting, and performance
• Write produce EP then album
• Create Documentary or Film these experiences
• Create a Location Independent Income by creating and doing things that I love that make a difference for others: this means making money- that I can do online and at various hours and by touring/writing so I can pay down and off student loans and fund additional travel, music endeavors, etc s
• Create fun products with Katie for Girl Rockers:)
• Successfully Complete Candida Cleanse: McCombs Plan and maintain health:)
• Valencia–you know I am coming back to you…this time with guitar in hand, and ready to rock and roll my heart out and study for a year
• Spend quality time with friends and family, appreciate the process, the moment, the journey
• Attend Hoffman Process to heal and mend that ole heart of mine:)
• Do the things that I want to do/need to do before having a family if God is willing and along with my body to have biological children.
• Southeast Asia Tour: Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Thailand, here I come
• Live by the ocean
• Become a performer and songwriter who writes from the heart with a sense of freedom and Move the world with my music
• Be Ali
• Meet up with friends in Spain to record originals and covers and post online:)
• Create a better looking website that I am not embarrassed by

SOMEDAY/MAYBE LIST

• Screenplay: Attend Groundlings Screenwriting courses and meet and create a strong writing group to write a killer comedy (think Bridesmaids, only better)
• Migrate during the year to favorite spots around the world. Spend time with family for a month or so, then 3 months in Spain, 2 months in SE ASIA, and 6 months on the coast of California.
• Create and lead performance workshops
• Create performing arts school abroad
• Run 1/2 marathon
• Go to Ireland
• Visit Perth Australia
• Dance the tango in Buenos Aires Argentina
• Audition for the VOICE or another singing competition
• Test drive a mini cooper and buy a car newer than a 1993 with a cute butt

Here is my list and I will continue to refine and change these as my values change or etc, but at least I can see what my progress and ideas are on each of these. I want these to be posted so that I can hold myself accountable.

So, what is in on your prebaby list or perhaps bucket list that is clawing its way out of you? What can you begin to put on paper now and start working towards?

STAN DEWITT|ARTIST INTERVIEW|PART 2

“Music isn’t something owned by people who were born gifted or who started at a young age.  Everyone owns it.  If you didn’t have music in you, then listening to it would not have power.  You enjoy music because your brain and/or soul are already translating it for you.”

These amazing words of inspiration are from Stan, a talented musician friend, author, and teacher that I met while attending a Songwriter Camp this past December. I was so impressed with Stan’s philosophy on life, music, and the pursuit of both. We kept our conversation going and as I shared with Stan my desires to increase my musicianship and to share my struggles along the way, he agreed to share his lessons learned in order to help other blocked or stuck musicians become freer on their musical path. This is part 2 of my Artist Interview of the Month Series.

What advice do you have for people who feel it is too late to learn music themselves?

You already know it!  Music isn’t something owned by people who were born gifted or who started at a young age.  Everyone owns it.  If you didn’t have music in you, then listening to it would not have power.  You enjoy music because your brain and/or soul are already translating it for you.

Once you can accept that truth, then disabuse yourself of the notion that you can’t.  You may never play Rachmaninov at Carnegie Hall, or tour with Green Day, but who cares?  If you start now, you can sing in Carnegie Hall with a choir, or play in a band that plays on the stage where Green Day got their start.  Those things are all illusions anyway. The only thing that really matters is what is the music that you hold uniquely to you, your life-experience – your journey.

Let’s say you are 65, just retired, and your wife died from breast cancer. You have two grown kids who don’t call often enough and you have a fondness for Kahlua over vanilla ice cream.  Is it too late for you?

Hell no!  In fact, I submit to you that your life journey has perfectly prepared you to be the first person to write a song that talks about missing your soulmate, while enjoying a Kahlua sundae after hanging up with your son.  Who cares if there are only ten people that will buy that CD?  They are out there, and you are the only person to speak to them through music.

In fact, let me say it this way, and emphasize my point: You are the only one who can create the art that reflects what the Universe has blessed you with.  For you to withhold it out of fear of rejection is one of the prime acts of selfishness.  Those ten people have been waiting their whole lives for the song that speaks to them, and you are the only one who can write it.

What tips can you give people on how to move forward with practicing their music skills and to stay with it, especially when it is difficult or overwhelming?

“Baby steps.  Take baby steps.  Don’t feel like you have to practice every day for an hour.  All you will do is become depressed.  Pick up the guitar or the piano every day for five minutes.  Make it ten if you are a perfectionist. I started to play the guitar at the age of ten.  You know what made me good enough to play in the studio at the age of 30?  Playing guitar for twenty years, ten minutes at a time.  I didn’t practice for twenty years, I practiced for twenty years ten minutes at a time.  There is nothing overwhelming about ten minutes.”

Second, only do what speaks to you, what you enjoy.  Don’t take lessons from a classical pianist if you want to play Tori Amos’ songs.  If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it.  Kennon Callahon said that “having fun is God’s way of teaching us what we are good at.”  Bruce Jenner didn’t become good at running because he hated running.  He did it because he loved it. You know what Kobe Bryant hates?  Neither do I, but I can guarantee you it isn’t basketball.

Finally, find other people to make music with (unless you are a sociopath.) Any activity is more enjoyable when you do it with someone else, whether it is music or sex.  Join a band or a choir.  Jam in a bluegrass circle.  Go to music festivals and find people like you.  They are out there, and they are looking for you.

Thank you so much Stan for an enlightening, informative, inspiring, and heartfelt interview. I have learned a lot and appreciate it.  Who is your ideal student and how can people find you?

My ideal student is someone who is coming to music with a passion for it.  I love teaching songwriting or composing.  I can be reached at stan@standewitt.com.

So, it has been awhile since my last post and I wanted to fill you in on where I have been and what I have been doing….I have been healing….I needed a time out…and after, let’s say an unofficial “sabbatical” from everything including music, I have come back with an even bigger intent and commitment to post to this blog and share where I am at, as well as what I am learning along the way. The first few things that you can look forward to will be

• Musician Interviews: These interviews will serve to inspire all of us and educate us on the many paths one can take to live their music dreams and passions in music at any age.
• Goal sharing: I have decided to post my goals (1, 5, and 10 yr plan) and progress on this site and what I have learned along the way (Thanks Stan!) and as I get more courageous, possibly my music.
• Education/Workshop Reviews: For the past 2 years, I have attended music camps, college courses, signed up for online guitar lessons, and have purchased other programs. I will share with you my humble reviews and provide information on the various programs that are available for us adult learners in music.

I am excited to share with you my first interview with a new friend Stan, and fellow musician I met at a recent Songwriter Camp. I will share more about this amazing camp in a future post. I am looking forward to this interview. He has a great story about how he has been able to sustain his passions in music and is now in the process of sharing his expertise and developing his music writing career to help others as well.

So, after I came back from Spain, I decided to give this music thing a real go. Suddenly, I felt the pressure to increase my vocal lessons, and guitar, and the stress of my current day job getting in the way of an audition for a music program. In fact, 2 weeks after I returned from Spain and had made the decision to really go for it, my day job that was already a larger stresser on me than I wanted, increased 100 fold because a former colleague left, and after interviewing her potential replacements, my boss decided not to fill her position and give me all of her departments. In fact, the very first day that I “inherited” her departments, I received 3 serious allegations that I had to investigate in an HR role I didn’t want or like in the first place. It was rough and the impact to my voice was even rougher. Each moment of those first weeks, I would drag myself to work and grit my teeth as I investigated these claims, learned of some pretty awful behavior, and addressed it in the right way.

How this showed up in my singing voice was that when I arrived to my weekly vocal lesson, which I look forward to going each week, my voice was so strained, I was unable to sustain even the simplest of notes and my coach Patrick, said the dreaded “nodule” words and suggested I go to an ENT. Five days later, I was at the ENT, where fortunately, after a very painful nose scope, it was determined that I had a deviated septum, plugged right nostril, no polyps, and a scrip to work with a speech therapist to relearn vocal habits.

While I am so grateful to learn that I do not have polyps or damaged vocal chords, I am really learning that I need to relook at how I let outside stressors impact my body. My perceptions of what is going on around me, and my physical response to them, is only hurting me. My lack of awareness has been huge and I have been paying more attention to how I hold my tongue, my breath, my neck, and jaw throughout the course of the day.

In addition, I would never have guessed that I would learn to notice that how I approach my breath, my singing, is how I have been approaching my life. So, what I have learned is that in my singing I tended to force out a note and strain and I didn’t relax when singing. Also, stress impacts your ability to sing. The more stress, the less most people are able to sing.

I have been holding so much tension in my body for the past four years as I have traveled and stayed on a path that I knew in my heart didn’t fit me, but I chose to grin and bear it, ie clench my shoulders, jaw, and neck, and force myself through each day and life. My first lesson with my speech therapist was to notice how tight my larnyx was, my jaw, my tongue, my shoulders. I was given a progressive relaxation drill where I was to hold each area on my face extremely tight and to notice how that felt, and then I was to let go, and notice the difference. The first a-ha that I had was that I had been tense in most areas of my face 24-7.

I will continue to share what I have learned so it may help you on your musical journey.

I recently went to Spain to attend a 3 day Singer Songwriter program. I met so many amazing people and I walked away feeling full and alive as I connected with musicians across the world from all walks of life and genres. There were 60 of us who travelled from 20 different countries to enhance our skills from each other. All of us were so passionate about music that we formed fast friendships and bonds and had fun creating and playing music with each other and performing in the streets for others. Even though our time together was brief, several of my new music friends touched my heart and inspired me in so many ways. I hope to share some of their stories and music on this site.

Here is what I learned:

• Even the most seasoned of performers started with stage fright and an audience must feel safe when you perform. If you go up there scared, it makes the audience uncomfortable. In your mind and heart, let the audience know you love them and appreciate them. Let them heal your broken heart and offer them your story.
• What separates the great musicians from the ok one is their ability to connect with the audience and play from the heart. Another musician may technically play a song perfectly, but they have no heart. Audiences connect with the story and the feelings associated with the performance, not perfection.
• Timing. Timing. Timing. Timing is what keeps an audience also feeling safe. Having a rock solid internal sense of time is what can keep you solid on stage and keeps an audience feeling safe to listen to what you have to share. Work with your metronome as your practice and use your body to develop a sense of timing that keeps you strong throughout your song.
• Life is to short to not do what you want to do and when your heart is full, you can give more fully to others.
• Practice. Practice. Practice. When on stage, have confidence in what you practiced, and then feel your song and share it.

As a child you used to dream of singing and performing music on stage and as an adult you still have that dream….BUT, you also have a “real job”, other responsibilities which include a wife, kids, husband, a family, and no time, or an even bigger inner critic that says, “Who are you fooling, it is too late for you to think about getting started in music!” Or, if your inner critic has been anything like mine, is says, “You are not good enough and you don’t have what it takes to be successful.”

Well, this site is about proving our inner critics wrong and finding ways to empower our inner dreams of harnessing our musical talents and creativity in music in today’s world as adults. This site is going to be about how as an adult,  I have found ways cheap, free, and not so cheap, that have allowed me to continue to explore music and build my skills in music. I’m tired of my fears of not being good enough or being the starving artist keeping me from following my dreams.

In this site, I will share the tools that I have learned and provide information to help people with all budgets and tastes to find ways to keep their music dreams alive. I will share resources, tips, introduce you to teachers around the world, and share what I learn and my journey. I will also introduce you to other musicians who are actively living their music dreams to help inspire us all to the many avenues that exist for those of passionate in music.

My hope is that if you have tucked away your music dreams, that this site will be inspire you to pick them up, dust them off, and make them a part of your life.

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